Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Appreciating women as an art of healing!

Our cross dreaming originates from an appreciation towards feminine beauty. I have noticed that expressing appreciation to beautiful women has a healing effect on my cross dreaming. Let them know they are beautiful. Appreciate them without any desire to actually "possess" them. Possessiveness generally means the desire to make her yours. But, to me cross dreaming is an advanced form of possessiveness in which I become her!  My instinct tells me that if we develop the art of selfless appreciation towards feminine beauty, it will help us heal most of the addictive elements of cross dreaming.

Just my gut feel!

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

My plan for hugging my inner woman!

I felt from the core of my heart that, I have to live with the core understanding that I am a man. And the feminine feelings in my is trying to tell me something. My inner woman does not want me to "become" her. She is just a symbolic representation of a few things that I am avoiding or suppressing in my life. She exists to give me a message. Thus, I have worked out my plan for integrating her into my life as a man.

My plan is to expand my definition of "manhood" so as to accommodate a few nurturing aspects which I have been running away from labeling them to be "weak" or "girly". I hope that it would bring me healing.

Here goes my plan.

1)It is ok to be beautiful. I can groom myself. I can be stylish. It is ok to look cute (that is what people say about me!).

2)It is ok to have feminine body features - I have fair and smooth skin like women. I have an almost hairless body, with no chest hair. I am accepting all these features as treasures. I don't have to be ashamed of them. I am proud of these precious gifts!

3)Being physically weak is acceptable - Here I am breaking free from the toxic "macho man" concept. Even if a stronger guy beats the crap our of me, it is ok. I am still a man.

4)It is ok to feel gender dysphoria - There is no need to be ashamed. If I feel dysphoric in the middle of an important meeting, let me be. I'll have a smile and move on!

5)It is ok to lose - Let me be defeated in a game, let someone win over me on an argument, let another guy have his way it is all acceptable. It does not reduce the stature of my manhood.

6)It is ok to be submissive at certain situations rather than fighting to protect my false ego.

7)Even if I am put in a humiliating situation, it is ok. If I can win there, good. If I can't still good.

8)I don't have to be the number one everywhere. It is ok to be the shadow others sometimes.

9)It is ok to be vulnerable - It is ok to seek help. It is ok to share my feelings. And I still retain my manhood.

10)Act based on my conscience, even if that means denying my ego interests.

11)Selflessness - Do more sacrifices for others, develop empathy, be kind, do things selflessly for others

My efforts to be the tough guy, and the cost I had to pay

In my life and work, I always fought to be a winner. I had an irresistible "get it done" attitude. I always wanted to appear strong,wise,courageous and decisive. My ego would be deeply hurt if I was not the one who provides the solution to a problem bought up in a team meeting at work. Being number 2 was something I always wanted to avoid at the cost of immense hard work. I felt deeply down whenever I was put in a situation in which I am perceived incompetent compared to others (example : a meeting on a topic about which I have no idea). I would always try my best to avoid appearing vulnerable to others. I always wanted to appear self sufficient and self dependent.

Thus, I suppressed my soft emotions. And I fell for the stereotypical notion that certain things are "girly" or "sissy" and not suitable for a man. The more I suppressed, my cross dreaming strengthened. I have an instinctive guess that it is this suppressed softer side of me is what is showing up as my inner woman. I needed to accept that a softer, tender (and feminine) side exists within me.

I came to the inevitable realization that I can no more deny the presence of my inner woman. I need to soften up, and bring her softness into my life as a man. And I needed a plan for that. I will cover that in the next article.

A reflection on my feminine fantasies

I had feminine feelings on and off from my childhood, along with straight sexual fantasies. When I grew up, my feminine fantasies took many forms. I loved to imagine myself as a traditional Indian woman - a beautiful housewife who serves her husband with devotion. Also, I had day dreams in which I was an adventurous woman who achieved success. Also, I used to fantasize men making love to me. I initially doubted whether I am a homosexual, but on subtle inspection, I figured out that I do not have any sexual attraction towards men. These fantasies turn me on only because thought of having sex with a man gives a boost to my feminine self identity. Sometimes these fantasies slipped to highly erotic levels and ended up in auto erotic sexual release.

All these fantasies had a few things in common. When in my cross-dreams, in which I am in my feminine form, I am always,

1)Good - Stands for what is right, thought I have to suffer for that.
2)Humble - Do not hurt others egos. I even surrender to male egos of others.
3)Submissive- Loves to be dominated, ordered. Even don't mind being humiliated, getting bound, beaten up (light BDSM)
4)Weak - Likes to be protected by someone strong
5)Beautiful - I am a stunning beauty queen

I did not want to go to the route of transition, as I had responsibilities to fulfill in my family.

I occasionally did cross dressing when I am alone, but the urge to cross dress was not much strong in me. My wild imagination gave me more vivid ways of expressing my inner woman than cross dressing.

I have found that suppressing these fantasies does not work. I have tried it multiple times. I would be successful for a while, but after that the fantasies would re emerge with wild power.

Then I started reflecting about a different alternative of somehow integrating my feminine fantasies into my day to day life in a healthy way, without falling to any addictive habits. I happen to read an article which gave more fuel to this thought. To me, it was all instinctive. I felt that there is a way to integrate femininity into my male life in a healthy way.

I will discuss more in the coming articles.